Zodiac Signs by Slice: Nick Harkaway writes in his post-apocalyptic debut novel, “The Gone-Away World,” that pie is the ultimate comfort food. An ephemeral thing. The moment it emerges from the oven, it begins a steep decline: from too hot to edible to cold to stale to moldy, and finally to a post-pie state where only history can tell you that it was once food. The pie is a parable of human life.”
In honor of the transient nature of the mortal coil and the humble pie and in observation of National Pie Day every January 23, we have curated a list of the zodiac signs as pie slices, because why the hell not?
According to BBC academics, pies can trace their crumbs back to ancient Egyptians who consumed a honey-laced version of the pastry and documented the recipe on tablets and on tomb walls.
Artocreas (meat pies) in an open pastry shell were a Greek invention, likely influenced by the Egyptians. According to legend, the Romans were the first to craft a pie with a top and bottom crust, since they were both pillagers and pie makers.
Those Romans wasted their time and energy eating the top part of the pie, wasting their lives. Those same roads that led to Rome led away from it, and Rome became a nation of pie eaters. Whether it is chicken pot pie or lemon meringue, find out which pie goes with your zodiac sign below.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Coconut cream pie: People born under the sign of Aries are impulsive, betting big, spending big, and apologizing often. A debt owed and curiously repaid led to the creation of coconut cream pie. According to legend, a Caribbean businessman sent coconuts to a Philadelphia flour miller to settle a score in the 19th century.
Before long, bakers and homemakers started asking for coconut cream after the miller shredded, dried, and sold coconut meat to them.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Pecan pie: People born under the Taurus sign enjoy unholy indulgences that take little effort to produce or procure. Enter pecans better than yet, pie or even better, chocolate pecan pie. With less than ten ingredients and ready in under an hour, this Southern staple is packed full of corn syrup and sweet enough to make your teeth ache.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Rhubarb pie: As the sour patch kid of the zodiac, Gemini is emotionally unpredictable, swinging from sweetness to recalcitrance on a daily basis. Thikind, rhubarb edible metaphor for life, a balance between vegetable and candied, earthly and sublime, sweet and bitter.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Apple pie: Nothing evokes childhood wholesomeness or our commercial concept of it quite like apple pie, Cancer’s ruling planet in the fourth house of home and roots. Dutch apple pie appeals more to Cancers who didn’t receive enough hugs or orthodontic attention as child children, Dutcho prefers crumbs to the lattice.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Lemon meringue pie: In pie topping, Meringue is what a lush mane of hair is in a Leo native, absolutely essential to aesthetics and spirit. Lemon meringue pie tastes like late July and soothes sunburns during the Leo season in the Northern Hemisphere.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Cherry pie: In honor of the real-life virgin and apex Virgo herself, the British invented cherry pie. I’m not sure if this is a pun on Queen Elizabeth I. Natural redhead, Elizabeth’s addiction to sugar turned most of her teeth black. For a guilty pleasure listen, I recommend Warrant’s 1990 innuendo-heavy banger, “Cherry Pie.”